WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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