Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
