I could make wine with my vomit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
