I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
