my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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