why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
