i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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