So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
