and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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