I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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