I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
