i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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