There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
they need to just BURY HIM!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
