just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
