i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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