I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
