My friends, they love my intelligence
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
