This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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