yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
operation have a gay friend backfired
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
