My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
