why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
