Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
