your parents love me but you hate me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
