I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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