My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
