The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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