Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
