I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
