I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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