I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
