I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
