Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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