Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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