No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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