I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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