it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
