I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
