life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry my hands just texted you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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