I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
