There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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