My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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