I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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