I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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