im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
two words: eviction party
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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