It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
