Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
