Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
