The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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