He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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