Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Are we still banned from the library?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
