he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
