The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
