Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
