Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
