god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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