I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
