i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
