Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
